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I don't know how to laugh, but you can cry (hopefully not constantly) over this bearded joke:
A newsstand. The man asks:
“Is there a truth?”
– There is no” Pravda “
– But “Russia”?
– Already sold!
“Well, what should I read then?”
– There is still “Trud” for 3 kopecks…
I liked an anecdote recently published in The Economist in an article about Putin's trip to Finland:�
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs Officer: “Name?”
Putin: “Vladimir Putin.”
Customs Officer: “Nationality?”
Putin: “Russian.”
Customs Officer: “Occupation?”
Putin: “No, just visiting.”
According to Risto Penttila, a Finnish political expert, after the events in Ukraine, Fins stopped laughing at this joke)
I yell in my back like a heron every time I remember
It's a masterpiece
Excerpt from the release of the British show “Quite interesting”:
Stephen Fry:”…For example, James Bond had a strange prejudice that homosexuals can't whistle.”
Alan Davies: “Because they always have a busy mouth?”
The curtain!
A Jew, a Hindu, and a nigger were staying in a tiny hotel. There was only one available room with two beds. Someone else had to go spend the night in a straw shed.
A Jew volunteered first: “I was raised on a kibbutz in Israel and can easily sleep in a barn,” he said, and left. But after 15 minutes, there was a knock on the door – it was the Jew who returned. “I found a pig in the barn, I can't sleep with an unclean pig under the same roof” Then the Hindu spoke: “No problem, I grew up in Bombay and I will spend the night in a clean barn with a pig.” But he also knocked on the door 15 minutes later, because he found a cow in the barn, which is sacred to Hindus. He couldn't sleep under the same roof with her. Finally the nigger got up. He said that he grew up in South Los Angeles and that no pig or cow would stop him from spending a beautiful night in the barn.
After 15 minutes, there was a knock on the room door. A pig and a cow were standing in the doorway.
The longer I look at this picture, the funnier it gets, and it's been like this for several years. I would not like to lose it, it raises the mood perfectly)
A man bought a hat, and it was just right for him!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
— Dad, I'm a lesbian.�
The youngest one from the kitchen shouts:�
“Dad, me too.�
– Fuck, will any of you guys bring a man into the house?�
Son out of the room:
– Keep it down, I'm watching anime!
My father whispered to himself:
— There is hope.
________
It means that a feminist has come to get a job as a whaler on a ship. She has passed an interview and is told:�
“congratulations, you're accepted, now you're a whaler
“hey, shut the fuck up, kitogirl, actually
On the first day of work, she was mistaken for a whale
________
Jesus came down from heaven, saw that Christians had put up crosses everywhere, and said to them:�
What the fuck are you doing? If Potty came back, would he be happy to see heroin everywhere?�
Well, actually, yes
a man runs around the psych ward, yelling “HERE right NOW AS ALL PRODIFFERINZIIRUYU YES AS PROINTEGRIRUYU UHHHH EMAE”
all run who where, run away, yell
and one man just sits, hands folded legs
comes up to him this psycho and asks, they say, what are you sitting for? I'm threatening you here, everyone's running, and what are you doing?
to which he replies: “and I'm an exhibitor”
Always drop out of this one, thanks bash for that!
MugiwarA:
A boot just flew past the balcony
, so you won't believe it right now…
THEY DRAG HIM BACK ON A STRING
Dick:
Is someone trying to knock something down or spizdit it? )
MugiwarA:
IT people are there!!! They're rolling a hamster!!!
MugiwarA:
Finished playing.
A hamster flew past, followed by a boot and a cry of ” Kudablya!!!”
DICK:
Poor hamster…
MugiwarA:
FUCK O_O
THEY CAUGHT HIM IN MID-FLIGHT WITH THEIR BOOT!!!
Here's how, HOW can you catch A HAMSTER with YOUR BOOT in FLIGHT?!
Dick:
Drunk Russian IT guys. the hamster will be stopped on the fly!
I really laugh at this stuff. Just sometimes I remember this picture, even at the wrong moment, and just laugh softly! By the way, there is a cool alternative name for “sexy” maniacs – “the bandit who kisses” from m / f Clarence. (I added it to type 140 characters)
It's not really a joke, but I always find it hilarious when people misrepresent Benedict Cumberbatch's name. My Favorite is Battlefield Overwatch and so on and so forth
And it's also funny how sometimes people get out of their way just to type those unfortunate 140 characters.
One day I came up with the idea to answer all the questions: “I'm sorry, I don't speak *Blanc.” And make a politely perplexed face at the same time. I still think it's very funny.
It's especially cool to do this in response to stupid, incorrect, or inappropriate questions.
Corgi Flop https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glii-kazad8
I won't get tired of it. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to stop. I turn it on in a year or two (if someone hasn't seen it yet!) and laugh again. A vicious circle
Came to the hostess master linoleum to lay. He puts it right under the baseboards, from wall to wall, and so on… It took him two hours to put it to bed, and he was already sweating profusely. Finally, when the work is finished, the master decides that it would be nice to smoke. He puts his hand in the breast pocket of his shirt, but it's empty.
“How so?” Did you really drop it while working?
I looked around, and sure enough, there was a small bump under the new linoleum.
– Well, now it's all to tear off, then adjust, nail again… No, I'd rather buy new ones.
He takes a hammer and nails this bump so that it is smooth.
“Well, mistress, everything is ready, take the job. He gathered up his tools and was about to leave when the hostess said to him,
” Your cigarettes, you left them on the bookcase.” By the way, have you seen my hamster?…
This is someone's tweet�
“My father had a friend who was very fat and they called him Kolobok. Dad was told that he recently hanged himself….”
Every time I remember I laugh through shame
Greetings from St. Petersburg.Residents of Vasilyevsky go on the Small,and residents of the Petrogradskaya side on the Small and Large.Good luck and good mood to all .
Imagine a beautiful book: leather binding, gold stamping, pleasant to the touch and smell paper, excellent printing, beautiful pictures and wise text.
On the last page, a piece of paper is crookedly pasted on a piece of newsprint, with the caption: “Dear readers, for technical reasons, an ochepyatka has crept into our publication on page 25, on line 15 from the top.”..
Russian, French and Chinese linguists decided to write each other's names in their own language.
“My name is Ge,” the Frenchman said to the Chinese.
— There are two Ge characters in Chinese, but unfortunately, not one of them is suitable for a surname.
— Why not?”
— Because one means 'wheel' and the other means the sound of a donkey's bladder bursting.”
— What's wrong with the wheel?”
— A man's name can't be round, everyone will think you're gay.” For your name, we will take the hieroglyph She, meaning “keyboard”, “root”, ” page “and the adjective” snowless ” and add the hieroglyph Nsu, meaning masculine gender. At the end, I write the character Mo – “virgin”.
– But.. this, to put it mildly, is not sovem so..
— No one will think you're a virgin, it's just that without the Mo character, the She-Ngu characters mean ' shaving off your mother's mustache
— – Okay, now I'll write your name.
— My last name is Go.
– Great, I'll start your last name with the letter G.
-What does the letter G mean?
— We Europeans don't mean a damn thing by the letters themselves, but to show you respect, I'll put the letter H before the G – it's still unreadable in French.
– Great! Next O?
— No, to show that G-is pronounced as G, and not as X, you need to put the letter U after G, and also H – to show that U is not read by itself, but only shows how to read G correctly, and the letter EY, showing that the word is not long and will end soon.
— Hguhey.. next O?
– No, O is pronounced A or E in French, depending on the letters next to it, the stress, and the time of year. Your pure O is written as AUGHT, but the word can't end in T, so I'll add the unreadable ending NGER. Voila!
The Russian linguist put down his glass, took a piece of paper, and wrote “Go” and “Ge.”
“That's it?”
– yes.
The Frenchman and the Chinaman scratched their heads.
“Okay, what's your last name, brother?”
– Shchekochikhin-Krestovozdvizhensky.
— And let's just drink? “the Chinese was the first to be found.
The Russian nodded, and the Frenchman toasted the sizzling diphthongs with relief.
I don't know if I'm going to laugh about it all the time,but I've been playing this dialogue from the movie Clerks for 10 years now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OQl89ewXvc
I laughed at this joke for a long time and continue to laugh.�
I'm going to name my first born son “Retarded”, so that when anyone asks me “Are you fucking retarded?!”, I'll say yes.
I've had this picture saved for a hundred years (since it was first published exactly), but no matter how many times it was thrown to me, I can't help but laugh just like the first time.
If you really laugh, then only at the endless variations of men, hats and just.
“a man bought a hat, and it is labeled XL, it is small to L, it will go to a dense m, you can use an oversize s”
Grandfather and grandmother are sitting at the table. They sit and eat. Grandma slurps, grandfather is tired of it, he will give her a spoon in the forehead!�
Ay, for what?Grandma asked resentfully.�
for slurping!My grandfather replied.�
They sit and eat further. The grandfather will again break the grandmother in the forehead with the same spoon!�
yes, now for what?!- the grandmother was indignant.�
When I remember, it really pisses me off! – my grandfather answered))
Remember the TV series of the 90s “Funny Family” about the adventures of the Potykaev family? There I first heard this joke and still laugh like a drug addict over it! It was told by her father Potykaevs (actor A. Simonets):
“First.. I smelled a foul burning smell…. And then… I saw Harry too!”
God bless you!
Did I sneeze?
Since the joke is short, I'll write down another one
What kind of season is there, what kind of TWD series is there
Negan: Holy crap! You creepy as shit! Sneaking up on me, wearin' that collar with that freaky-as smile.
Father Gabriel: my apologies, im father Gabriel
In a faraway country, a king noticed that less money was flowing into the treasury. He gathered the ministers and nobles to discuss it. The fool suddenly volunteered to show the reason: he suggested that the king take a piece of ice and pass it around in a circle between the nobles. When the ice returned to the king, there was almost nothing left of it. Soon the fool was being passed around the circle.
At school, Vovochka spends the day “Show and tell”. Everyone brings someone something.
Lenochka brought a cat, talks about it, and the teacher praises it. Petenka brings a toy car, tells her, and the teacher praises her. And then Vovochka brings an air cushion. The teacher is surprised and asks him:
Vovochka answers:
From my grandfather!
Yes? – The teacher is surprised. “And what did Grandpa say?”
ADAI!! 1!
Once upon a time there was a Jewish peasant named Joseph. He was very philosophical. It was difficult for him to do anything, because thinking took up all his time, and by the time he was ready, the opportunity to do something would disappear.
One day, when Joseph was going to the market to sell wheat, he said to his wife::
— As soon as I sell the wheat, I'll send you a telegram!”
He sold the wheat at a large profit and went to the post office. There he filled out a telegram form, thought about it, and wrote the following telegram:
“Wheat is sold profitably. I'll be back tomorrow. I love you and kiss you. Joseph”
Then he began to ponder, ” My wife will think I'm crazy. Why “profitable”? Was I going to sell the wheat at a loss?” So he crossed out the word ” profitable.”
Then he became more attentive, because if he wrote one wrong word, he could make other mistakes, so he began to think about each word.
And he asked himself: “Why' I'm coming tomorrow'? Was I supposed to come back next month? Or next year? My wife already knows that I will come as soon as I sell the wheat.” So he crossed out the words ” coming tomorrow.”
Then he thought: “My wife already knows perfectly well that I went to sell wheat, so why write “wheat sold”? ” He also crossed it out, and then began to laugh.
He thought: “I write to my wife, so why should I write 'love and kiss'? Am I writing to someone else's wife? Is this my wife's birthday, or is it some kind of holiday?” Now only the name “Joseph”remains.
Looking at the name, he said to himself: “Joseph, are you crazy? Your wife knows your name.”
So he tore up the telegram form and, happy that he had saved a lot of money and avoided stupidity, left the post office.
Always makes you laugh:
Bill Bailey
Doctor Who is a native Scottish character: an old man armed with a screwdriver drags young girls into a phone booth
I like to come to the school playground and watch the children running around in a frenzy, with crazy screams and screams. How would they know I was shooting blanks?
For some reason, the most important thing at that moment was to find some cool suicide words, probably in case I suddenly died. And all I could think of was, ” Who is the world going to revolve around now?”
I met a former classmate yesterday. In general, at school, he was fat to the point of horror and constantly ate bread rolls in class. Well, the nickname Pashka-bubble stuck to him.
We haven't seen each other for 10 years, but I've only heard that after school he started going to the gym with violent force. I went on a diet and started playing sports.
And so. I go near the house, look – the car in a snowdrift got up. The driver and so and so – not in any way. And then a guy comes up, big as a closet. Lifts the “six” from behind and it safely rolls forward.
Then I go to the bakery-baaa! And there's Pashka the bubble! Fat as hell. It's worth it, eating bread.
Chief of the General Staff of the Polish Army, Lieutenant General�E. Rydz-Smigly�in 1939, he looks into his sister's room, and she is completely naked, stands in front of the mirror, turns around, looks at herself everywhere and at the same time sentences:�
The next day, he looks into her room, and there are ten naked men having her.�
He's totally freaking out, immediately rushes to his room, strips naked, and standing in front of the mirror, starts looking at himself everywhere and saying:�
The next day, 10 tank corps of the Wehrmacht have it.
The same joke from South Park.It has been known for a long time, but it gained its former popularity in 2001. Three weeks after the September 11 attacks at Hugh Hefner's club, famous comedian Gilbert Gottfried started telling a joke about the attack. After hearing the audience's dissatisfied reaction (“It's too early!”), he stopped the reprise and played a new joke. The success was overwhelming, and the reprise got a second wind. The creators of the animated film “South Park” also shot a two-minute video for this film. In it, Cartman at the bus stop tells friends this anecdote, heard from his grandfather. Kyle constantly tries to stop the shocking narration, but Cartman finishes it and waits for the audience's enthusiastic reaction. Kyle says that he didn't understand the meaning, after which Cartman admits that he didn't understand either.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/NPHjsCoelb4?wmode=opaque
“10 cm of rain fell in the city, or, as the guys would say, 15-17 centimeters”
A wonderful quote from my grandmother, which became our family joke: “This porridge is not burnt, it just smells like a fire. And in general, this is not the kind of burnout that you should be afraid of.”
“Last week I didn't get enough sleep, session, blockage at work, I slept 3-4 hours a day. Yesterday was the only day when you could get enough sleep, I went to bed around 11 pm. I woke up at 5am and had a dream about being arrested by the police for sleeping too much”
One gynecologist runs to another and says: “Petrovich! Let's go quickly! I've got a patient in the exam room, she's as fucked up as a melon!” He answers him, they say, Semyonych, you're an adult, 20 years of practice, what kind of melon, what are you talking about? The first one doesn't stop: “Let's go to the examination room, you'll see for yourself.” They come to the examination room, the second one says: “Well, p*zda, like p*zda. What does the melon have to do with it?” The first one says to him:”And you lick it.”
One woman had been in a coma for months. And one day the nurses were bathing her. One of them was washing a woman's private parts and suddenly noticed that there was a slight improvement in performance on the monitor. She touched the woman's private parts again, and once again there was some animation on the screen.
Then she called the woman's husband and said: “This may sound strange, but I think a little oral sex might bring your wife out of her coma.” The husband reacted very skeptically, but he was promised to close it with curtains for greater intimacy. Finally, he agreed and went to his wife's room.
After a few minutes, the monitors went blank, no pulse, no heartbeat. The nurses ran to the ward and began to find out what had happened.
The husband replied ,” I'm not sure, I think she choked on it.”
This joke has been around on the Runet for quite some time, but I still can't help but laugh when I remember it:�
“You're carrion!
-�
Spelling joke:
Once a student asked Dietmar Elyashevich Rosenthal:
– Please tell me how to spell the word “fuck” – together or separately?
“If that's a description of my attitude toward you, young man,” Rosenthal said calmly. And if the designation of the depth of the great Jewish river Jordan, then separately.
I even saved it to a notepad on my computer
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don't do it.”
“Why shouldn't I?” he asked.
“Well, there's so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Are you religious?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.
I'm a fan of black humor, especially the kind that's on the verge of a foul, so I won't stop laughing at the following jokes from Jimmy Carr's guru in this field:�
“My girlfriend is not happy that I chew loudly, but I do not complain about pubic hair in my teeth. I'm kidding. My girlfriend doesn't have any hair there. MORE!»
“If a man sleeps with many women, he is called a male. And if a woman sleeps with many men, they call her your mother.”
“When I was at school, my classmate jerked off a dog for three cigarettes. I know what you were thinking: “Where did the dog get cigarettes?!”
Well, one joke of my friend (his name is Seryozha), which made my day at that time:
“I will never forget my grandmother's last words. She said: GET THE PILLOW OUT OF MY FACE!”