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If the past drags you in and doesn't allow you to live fully in the present, then you have something important left behind. Perhaps there was something there that can't be in the present, or something that you don't want to leave there. Either the present and the future are so painful and unpleasant for you that you don't want to be in them, and then the only possible place to stay is the past.
In Gestalt therapy, we would also talk about the presence of open gestalts that draw your attention to themselves, wanting to be completed. Think about what you haven't done in the past? What experience was left unfinished for you? How would you complete it now?
You can close gestalts only by being here and now. It is important to live your attitude to the past in the context of the current current situation. How do you feel now when you think about the past you live in? What emotions do you feel? How do you feel about it? How would you express this to another person, what would you like to tell them? Try to do this any way you can. Tell us directly or write to us.
If your feelings about your past are shared with another person (this can take a very long time, try not to rush), this in itself will be a huge step from living in the past to living in the present.
I run the risk of sounding corny, but understand that the past has already passed. He's gone.
The past lives only in our head.
We can learn from it for the future, so the past can serve us, but that's all it's good for.
Even good memories are dust. I can remember how good it was as a child, how beautiful and new everything was, and I can go out on the balcony, feel the warmth of the sun, hear the sounds of the street, see real, not imaginary beauty.
The past is baggage, and it's easier to live without it.
The past can only be reinterpreted and relived. To relive it is to face repressed feelings and live them in the present tense. I only know of such a working method. This is why people come to psychotherapy.
Ask yourself questions:
Do I want to live in the present?
Why do I still live in the past?
What do these memories give me?
What happened then that isn't happening now?
What did I actually do to fix this?
Etc
The past is gone, it's over. It is here and now. And the best way to move into this reality is to strive for the future, plan, predict, dream. After all, the present is constantly becoming the past, and so you are always slightly ahead. And in order not to break away from reality, build your future wisely.
Even if you decide to die, think through the details.
Somewhere I read such a point of view that in fact only 20% of the past really affects us emotionally and makes us worry. The rest is just our thoughts about him, which we think over and over in our head. Roughly speaking, if a girl breaks up with a guy, then only 20% of her really suffers, the remaining 80% is pain due to the fact that she thinks about this situation again and again.
The conclusion is – less thoughts about an unpleasant topic. Forcing yourself not to think about something is not as difficult as it may seem at first glance. For example, if you're thinking about the past again on your way to work, set yourself an audiobook to distract your thoughts. Well, the surest way is, of course, to fall in love))
For this purpose, static exercises like “meditation” help. Sit quietly, look at one point and watch what is happening in your head. The main thing is to observe, and not get carried away with something. Don't think about it, don't look for the right answer, and so on. Gradually, everything will calm down in my head and “the past will be released”. Yes, you also need to keep your back straight and not move, as well as count your breaths (this helps not to get carried away by the storm of thoughts in your head). This is a static exercise. It helps very well, especially as you train. Ten minutes and silence inside, and the “past” is in the past.
There are not one, but two questions here. Because if you let go of the past, you won't automatically start living in the present.
As for the first part of the question. How to let go of the past?
Accept it. Bad news (which is also a little bit good):
The past is an integral part of life, which is there and will not get away from you. And you can't run away from it either.
You will not be able to forget the past completely. It's impossible. You won't be able to erase the memories from your mind unless you get into a car accident. The past will come back and remind you of itself from time to time. But it is in your power to make unpleasant memories come up less often, and light ones – more often.
You will not change what has already happened. Just accept it.
Good news (which is also a little bad):
The past won't happen again. You will never experience the same thing again. You won't go through the same unpleasant moments again. Everything, they happened, you went through them. You are dismissed.
You can change your attitude to your past. In this, too, you are absolutely free.
You can change your attitude to the past so that it comes up in your memory less often and does not interfere with your life (present, future, eternal-it does not matter) in the following directions::
Don't regret what you did, even if you think you would have done something different. “To repent is to add a new one to the perfect stupidity,” as Friedrich Nietzsche said. You-who-you-were-then couldn't have done anything else. You had that set of information and qualities that led you to this choice, and not to any other. Think about what you-the current one-would do if you were in this situation again. The same way? Great, so there's nothing to regret – after all, you did the right thing. Something else? And how exactly? Think about it, but don't go back to the rails of regret: answer this question from the point of view of the future, not the past. What will you do next when faced with a similar situation? Why is this the case? How will experience help you make the right decision?
Do not think that everyone around you remembers some kind of mess and trash it. First of all, what you think is a mess may not be perceived that way by other people. Or perceived, but much easier: and with whom, in fact, it does not happen? Second, you are most likely exaggerating the scale of the”shame”. Third, people are fixated on themselves. Most people are so focused on replaying their own failures in their heads that there is no place for yours to be there.
Forgive those who have treated you unfairly. If you believe in God, then pray for them. “Delegate” this problem to God, you do not have the right to judge and determine the “measure of punishment”. God will judge. If you are not religious, then you should definitely forgive for other, rational reasons: the person has treated you unfairly, and you also increase the harm and pain that he has caused you. Forgive me for your own sake: it won't make your abuser feel any better. But throw these people out of your life. Don't talk to them, don't do them any favors: this is not the time to be generous.
Indulge in nostalgia for the good times, but remember: something even better is waiting for you ahead. You can't even imagine what it will be like yet. Don't miss it by sighing about the past. 🙂
I'll move on to the second part of the question. How to start living in the present? Develop your concentration. Whatever you do, keep track of how much space you're taking up. Is this your place? Is the role that you play in your work team, among your loved ones, or in general in your life at this particular moment suitable for you? Do you want to change it?
Pay attention to small pleasures and joys, celebrate pleasant moments and live them entirely. Socialize, joke, flirt – all of this engages us in the present moment. Take up a sport for yourself that requires a reaction, even tennis is suitable. Try to do less routine physical labor, do not do what is boring and do not want. Find a way to opt out of it. Invest your energy in building good relationships with others. Not “promising” or “correct” ones, but good, pleasant, and comfortable ones for you.