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Recent Questions
- Why did everyone start to hate the Russians if the U.S. did the same thing in Afghanistan, Iraq?
- What needs to be corrected in the management of Russia first?
- Why did Blaise Pascal become a religious man at the end of his life?
- How do I know if a guy likes you?
- When they say "one generation", how many do they mean?
For many reasons – as always. But I would like to highlight the main ones in my opinion.
Model behavior in the family where she was a little girl + lack of practice working on herself. If a person does not analyze-how he lives, and how others live, it's good, but maybe you can do it differently, and if it's different, how is it?… if he doesn't ask himself such questions, but lives automatically, he will bring the old model of relationships to his new family. And that was all he had seen all his childhood. Fortunately, if I saw a couple more out of the corner of my eye-my grandmother's and grandfather's models. At least some space of options and a chance to understand that you can create a family in different ways.
Low self-esteem. No matter how blurry this term would be. But it implies weak boundaries. Human-animal nature is designed in such a way that it is very rare to get hit in the face right away. In the beginning, they allow themselves to say unpleasant words to a person, then pat on the shoulder, then in the face. So it is in such families. Everything starts well, but then there is a shift in initiatives. The man is more often right, then raises his voice, then knocks on the table and then in the face. A man also falls into the trap – he also lives automatically as a rule. He is trapped in his own rightness and does not imagine that it would be much more pleasant for him to live in every sense with a more relaxed woman without bruises than with an aunt with bruises and low self-esteem. Fools do not understand – then they themselves regret it. And the lack of a normal model of family, upbringing, analytical thinking (I emphasize-eco-friendly analytical thinking. It's just that logic is a blunt tool that can lock the logic itself into such a framework that you can't get out later on your own), plus the presence of physical strength (not always), but a bowl of slightly higher self-esteem than a woman…this all serves as an aid to the formation of the same…
A woman's low self-esteem includes not only her personal experiences of resentment, but even more fears, guilt and shame that stretch from childhood – the old feelings gradually and not noticeably (we were not taught to notice this) as buds bloom into huge flowers… and strangle.
That's basically all. And all the other reasons are rather external pseudo-logical excuses. Yes. The Karpman triangle describes all this well. It is almost impossible to get out on your own because no one wants to go out – everyone is satisfied with their roles. The harasser is a psychopath, a disturbing victim, and an underrated lifeguard. But that's another story about the triangle…
By the way, it turned out interesting with Regina Todorenko. When she was attacked by everyone because of her careless words about domestic violence. If it's interesting , I'll write to you.
The victim's position is a complex psychological scenario that has been developed over the years. And the reasons for such patience can be very many.
Most often, women who saw such an example before their eyes in childhood fall under abuse. When my mother suffered, but silently accepted. I justified my father. An attitude is formed that love is when it is like this. Beats-means loves. And to prove my love, I also need to endure.
A woman justifies male violence by taking the blame on herself. Brought, provoked, not so met, not that said. It is also formed from childhood, when a girl is taught that she is to blame for all the troubles.
Very often, women are afraid to admit that they are beaten, because it is shameful. I had a client with a black belt in karate who was beaten up by her husband. And no one could even think from the environment that she was so strong being subjected to domestic violence. Her husband selectively did not hit her in the face, so no one saw any external signs. But his whole body was bruised.
The victim is the scenario by which life is built. Therefore, such women unconsciously do everything to remain dependent. They do not seek to earn money, do not provide themselves with a rear to go to, and as a result they are trapped in their own position. I should leave, but I have nowhere to go.
And the most interesting thing is that most often they leave the relationship only when another man (a lifeguard) appears, because they can't go anywhere. And then either this lifeguard turns into the same abuser, or the woman becomes uninterested in him. Because the victim always needs a tyrant around.
Therefore, the first step is to get out of the victim – rescuer – stalker triangle scenario. To stop suffering, you need to stop being a victim. It is very difficult to do this on your own. Therefore, they suffer by passing this scenario on to their children.
The main answer is INSTINCT
That is why girls do not pay attention to attentive and caring, loving guys
Their instinct draws them to walleye and psychos
Only then, by burning herself and drawing conclusions, can an already mature woman become above the animal instinct. But not all and not always
Most often they are drawn to walleye, but they do not want a relationship at all. And the good ones are both ignored and ignored
Instinct dictates that the pike perch will be safe. Although it is he who is the source of danger
Hot, smart, confident-more often attracted than a romantic, a good father and husband
Animal instinct pulls on the one who will throw and throw
This is life
You know, in addition to the above, many still grew up in a family where the father beat the mother. Many people just don't know what happens differently, they say, everyone is like that and all families are like that. It seemed like some kind of fairy tale,some ghetto story, until my friend got married. Her husband beats her “for the cause” and for nothing. And I say to her: nafig you put up with this, if my father had hit my mother, he would have lived alone long ago. She blinked: DID YOUR FATHER EVER HIT YOUR MOTHER? I say: never. He smashed plates, smashed walls,and slammed doors, but he didn't touch my mother. And you know, my friend doesn't believe me. He says it doesn't happen that way.
Usually because she depends on a man financially and morally. She can't just go nowhere, she doesn't have another apartment, she doesn't have a high-paying job. And the police here answer such questions simply: “When he kills you, come back.” And she can't get a divorce for the same reason.
Because everyone has the right to a second chance. Because you need to understand and forgive, this is a native person. Because he apologizes so touchingly, swears, lies at his feet, makes gifts, says nice words. Because he's actually a good guy, and only when he's drunk does something come over him. Because children need a father, colleagues will gossip about how to share an apartment, and in general… Everyone has flaws, and there are no perfect people
What does “tolerates” mean?�
She would have been glad to get out of it and walk away, but she couldn't walk away without her ex waiting around the corner and killing her.�
You can't just get out of a toxic relationship. Manipulators act very subtly, so that the victim thinks “everything seems to be fine, but something is wrong.” The manipulator never assumes obligations, and does so to erase the victim's psyche from the face of the earth.
But the last stage of such relationships is just domestic violence. As a rule, the victim at this stage has already completely lost his identity, which once was, and comes to terms with it, or simply does not know where to go. After all, manipulators are good at messing up other people's brains – relatives, friends, and friends of the victim-so that when the victim complains about beatings, they answer her “that's right, you screwed up, it's your own fault, and *neym* is good, you only bring it up.”�
So, in conclusion, I want to say that if those who read this answer have people who are subjected to physical and / or moral violence – try to get the victim out of such relationships. Because it won't come out on its own, and everything will end badly.
Only the woman herself knows this. The author admits inaccuracy in the question, because he does not specify the object from which the action is performed, the nature of the action, thereby transferring the question to the category of meaningless ones. After all, the doctor does a Caesarean section… and the woman endures, the newborn bites the nipple, the woman endures, and so on.
She endures because she feels guilty about what is happening, because she believes in the helplessness and worthlessness that has been instilled in her. He suffers because he cannot count on the support of friends and family who aggressively prevent the removal of precious litter from the hut. Tolerates, because she herself did not have time to notice how she found herself in severe material and mental dependence on her partner and in complete isolation from her former social circle.
How can these women allow such a thing to happen to them? The fact is that physical violence is always preceded by psychological processing of the victim, absolute power over which the abuser craves. Domestic violence is generally always about power, control, and self-affirmation at the expense of a partner.
The first acts of physical violence can be preceded by months or years of psychological violence. The task of the rapist is to break the victim's will and convince her of her own inadequacy. Having destroyed the victim's self-esteem, instead of a once full-fledged personality, the abuser gets at his disposal plastic material for the realization of his unhealthy psychological needs.
It is worth remembering that from overprotection to violence is one step. As a rule, the abuser begins processing with a carrot that is so desirable for many girls: he solves her problems, protects her, and at the same time sets his own conditions dictated by supposedly “her own good” and safety. In fact, he simply does not trust the victim with the right to dispose of his life.
The abuser believes that he can do it better, and he considers the woman his property, and treats her time, attention and emotions as his property. For example, it dictates who to communicate with. It is better not to be with anyone, so that you can be completely focused only on him.
Often, even if women are clearly aware of the danger of what is happening to them and the need to break up toxic relationships, they simply do not understand how and at what point they lost control of their lives and where all their loved ones went.
For centuries, women have been taught that they are sinners “and the fall began with them” and it is very difficult to win back, but someday the situation will change for the better without fail.
“Let him beat me, humiliate me in various ways, but I'm not alone”
In our country, people have some kind of passive-negative attitude to loneliness, most of them are afraid of it and do not understand it.
Not familiar with men who would raise their hand just like that. They usually suffer when they know why, and this is significant. In a situation where your woman herself raises her hand to you, you have every right to respond in kind, because at such moments you are no longer a woman, but an ordinary redneck in a dress. Another situation is when a woman hurts your child. And the third – when the fact of betrayal, treason was revealed, this is a very cruel thing that causes pain much more than beating someone, and if a man raises his hand in such cases, then it can be understood, it is much more painful for him.
She was taught that way – in her family, on TV, by her friends.
She considers this to be the norm – all these folk wisdom – “does not beat – does not like” and other stereotypes in society.
In addition to what is listed in the answer above, the Stockholm syndrome works-he also loves her, he also raises her, she is a fool and she should be grateful. Alas, such a perverse understanding of family relations is reflected at the cultural level even in the proverbs: “Cute scold – only amuse themselves”, etc.